How Do You Solve A Problem Like Pocahontas?

Disney’s Pocahontas, the nearly universally-loathed 1995 feature film widely regarded as killing the momentum of the Disney Renaissance. So what’s so bad about it? (Let’s not be coy here: LOTS!) In some alternate universe, could it have ever been a good movie? Actually, I think so! Here are my grudging acknowledgements of the film’s good points, a rundown of its many bad points, and an outline of a reworked version that could actually be good:

SERIES 1: The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly

Part 1: “If you don’t have anything nice to say…” giving Disney’s Pocahontas (1995) its due & acknowledging the redeeming features of the movie.

Part 2: “…Then Come Sit By Me!” a discussion of the first 6 major structural & story problems with Pocahontas.

Part 3: “The Gloves Are Coming Off!” continuing the postmortem dissection of the flaws of Pocahontas.

Part 4: “Why Do We Still Have So Many Gloves?” the final set of plot holes, thematic failures, and pet peeves of this movie.

SERIES 2: How It Could Have Been Good:

Part 5: “In Which the Language Thing Makes Sense Now” The first installment of a reworked treatment of Pocahontas that actually has some content, starting with a coherent way to overcome the language barrier.

Part 6: “In Which Our Main Characters Become Interesting” An introduction to a reworked treatment of Pocahontas Fixing the dullness between Pocahontas and John Smith, and giving them some material to work off of.

Part 7: “In Which We Develop Some Legitimate Conflict” Fixing some of the hollowness of Pocahontas by making the father-daughter dynamic much more fraught; or, “What Character Development You Can Achieve When You Don’t Spend 15% of Your Screenplay On A Dream About A Fucking Compass.”

Part 8: “In Which the Shit Hits the Fan” The romance and simmering discontent come to a turning point, hopefully in a more believable and interesting way than in the original.

Part 9: “In Which Our Hero Nearly Gets His Head Bashed In” The thrilling conclusion to the new-and-improved retroactive fantasy reboot of Pocahontas.

Thanks for reading!

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